Have you ever had a fear, that was so bad, you couldn't physically tell anyone? That just stayed locked up inside you, pulsing in the back of your head, keeping you awake at night, maybe even starving you till you withered away into nothing more than an empty shell?
A fear that became a secret that you didn't tell the people you loved, not even your best friend, not even your teddy bear. Well I have a fear like that, and it may seem trivial to you, but to me, it's a nightmare.
For the first time in my life, I am telling the world my secret.
When my mom was pregnant with me, they saw on an ultrasound that I had abnormal holes in my heart. Yes, there is a hole in a baby's heart that is supposed to close up at birth, but mine weren't quite like that. After I was born, I was immediately referenced to a cardiologist and had tests run. The holes, I had 2 of them, didn't grow up at birth, so they were closely monitored from then on. Every few months, then ever year, then every 2 years, I would go to my cardiologist for more tests. I would have an EKG, which is where they stick tons of wires on you with little sticky squares on them, and I would also have an ultrasound of my heart done. As a child, and even as I got older, this scared me half to death.
When I was 12 the Dr. said that 1 of the holes had closed up, and the other had shrunk so small that he couldn't see it anymore, but he could still hear it. I wouldn't ever have to come back. Great news!
My good news lasted for 2 years. When I was 14, I was in 8th grade and I was in the middle of tennis season. I started feeling bad all the time, I had migraines, blackouts every time I stood up, or sat down, I didn't eat a lot, and I was always tired and out of breath. So I went to my pediatrician and they did a normal checkup, drew a thing of blood, which made me pass out, and did a urine test. All tests came back fine.
So I was sent back to the dreaded cardiologist. And let me tell you, I was scared. They did another EKG and ultrasound and they even did a chest x-ray, which was a new experience for me, and not one I liked. The results came back, and the Dr. said that he didn't think it was my heart, but they did find something. It was completely unexpected. Not only was that 1 hole still there, that he could hear, another hole that they had never seen before, was now there. He told me, "you'll be ok."
When someone has a heart attack, you can't just tell them, "oh, you'll be ok. Nothing to worry about." When in all actuality, there's a big risk they could have another. Same principle with my heart. You couldn't ever hear or see a hole in my heart, then after 14 years, suddenly find a new one, and then just say "oh you'll be ok."
That's fucking bullshit, that has haunted me to this day.
But what really hit me, was when back in November 2010, I had a miscarriage. I have always blamed myself for losing my baby, but when I thought about my heart defect, it scared me. What if it's passed down to my children? What if I lose another child to heart defects? Or even worse, what if the Dr.'s tell me that it's not safe to have children because of it?
Recent studies have also found that those with PFO, are more likely to suffer from migraines.
You want to know what they said was wrong with me in 8th grade? They said it was stress. What a load of bullshit.
That's the reason I want to be a pediatric nurse, preferably in the heart ward. Because I remember being haunted and having nightmares as a child form having to go have tests run on my heart my entire life. But I also remember those sweet nurses that tried to ease my fears and confusion. I want to be that comfort for another child that may or does have a heart defect.
Because of PFO, I am at greater risk of having a stroke. I'm not allowed to get over weight, drink or smoke in excess, and I have to take a special type of birth control, to ensure that I don't have an increase in blood clots.
This is what scares me. That I could possibly die from 2 abnormal holes in my heart. Or that more could have appeared. That if were to be fixed, would require heart surgery. At 16 I am scared for my life. And no one ever knew.
Till now.
