Release

It never ceases to amaze me but also break my heart how people we love can disappear so quickly. Sometimes it's an ongoing battle that we try to deny, and others it happens so quickly that we have no time to deny it.

But without fail...denial comes. Sometime.

But the worst is when it hits home. When we realize that they truely are gone. That their sweet faces will never grace our day again. When we wait for that one response to an inside joke, that never comes. The answer to a phone call, but all we get is a voicemail, or possibly even a message of disconnection. When we have a question, but know we'll never get an answer.

It tears our heart apart, in a way that nothing else could. We look around, and sometimes we feel like the only one who cares, but others we look around and there's not a dry eye around.

Maybe you skipped the anger, or the denial, or the derpression, or maybe you're one of the lucky ones, and you skipped all of it. Or if you were really lucky, you missed it all and never had to go through the pain of adoring them then losing them.

But maybe... you weren't lucky at all. Perhaps you missed out on knowing one of the most wonderful people in the world.

Or maybe you're like me. Stuck somewhere in the middle. Perhaps you've lost an amazing person, then you're also watching others lose someone they loved too. The impact of both hits you, and you realize that you'll never watch them go through their routine, or share a laugh, or make them smile, or even simply pick a hair off their clothes again.

What's worse? Knowing that the person you love is dying, but never telling them you love them or goodbye? Or not knowing they were going to die and still not be able to tell them you love them or goodbye?

What would you say? What would you do? Would you look through old pictures? Or take new ones. Would you go buy new clothes? Or dress up in old ones. Would you reminisce on old memories? Or make new ones?

Or maybe you would give anything just to see them again. Just to sit there and memorize everything about them. From the random freckles you never noticed, or the way they sit. Or that certain perfume they wear. Memorize the way the light shines off their hair, or the sparkle in their eyes.

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

But where's the guilt in those stages? It's there, but where would you fit it? With me it's everywhere. Knowing I could have called, but didn't. Knowing I could have wrote a letter, but never sent it.

And now it's too late.

And the worst part, is knowing she's now my gaurdian angel, though I never did anything to deserve it.

The worst part is knowing I threw my faith aside because she died, when she clung to it with everything she had.

Now comes the backpedaling. Trying to go back and fix what you did wrong. Trying to clean up the mess you made. Trying maybe, just maybe, if you wished hard enough, to bring them back.

Then comes prayer. Whether you want to or not. It comes out. In one from or another.

Declaration comes sometime after that. Telling the world that you figured out that hole in your heart won't ever close. Telling the world that you want them back, that you messed up, or whatever you've been holding inside.

In place of acceptance, could be release. That moment you've been dreading, but also needing.

And then, it's ok.

Where are you?


In loving memory of Shirley Feagans and Meaghan R. Jones.

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/gadsdentimes/obituary.aspx?n=shirley-w-van-pelt-feagans&pid=153072496

http://www.bryantriangle.com/news/bryan-mourns-meaghan-r-jones-2/