Dance

Every night I look at you and wonder why I'm with you. Do I love you? Well, it's complicated. Why are you still with me? Do you even want to be with me?

Right at this very instant, I would have to say that you no longer love me like you first did. And no. Your love has not progressed for me. It has taken a turn in the opposite direction. You merely tolerate me. For what? Our daughter? Do you believe that if you stay with me I won't take her away? Do you fear that I may choose to move away and take her too?

I spend hours every night wishing for that attention you once gave me. I crave the intense love we had once upon a time.

This is my confessional.

I love you.
I am no longer in love with you.
Instead of saying I will always be with you, I allow for the        possibility of something else.
I miss the old, affectionate you.
I long to be held and cherished the way I once was.
I cry. Often for the love we've lost.
I feel trapped.
I miss home. Not this home. My old home.
I'm afraid of commitment.
I don't want to settle down this young.
I'm scared that if I don't get my crazy days out of my system now, I'll resent you.
I'm afraid I'll ruin my daughter's life.
I want her to know what true love is.
I want you to notice me again.
I want you to enjoy seeing me, instead of making snide comments about my attire.
I want you to tease me.
I want you to make me forget my name.
I want you to ravage me, then caress me.
I want you to capture my heart again.
I worry that if I find the courage to tell you these things you will hate me.

I need you to want me.
I need you to love me.
I need you to need me.

I need you to decide why you're still here.

We used to be a part of the dance called love.
Now we just sit on the sidelines of life.

I need you to figure it out.

Before you break me.

Please...

Dance with me, or release me.

Playing the Umpire

Strike one!

So you yell at me for what I wear when we're home alone. What sense does that make? I'm your fiance. Shouldn't you enjoy seeing what's yours? Are you trying to push me away? Because if you treat a girl like crap, she'll chase you, but treat your woman like crap, she'll replace you. If you don't love me and want me, I'll find someone who will.

Strike two!

What the fuck are you thinking?? Getting pissed off because your four month old is crying because she didn't finish her nap. Oh wait. Why is that?? Maybe because you got pissed off at that stupid game and woke her up by screaming at it. Don't take your temper out on my innocent child!

Strike three?

What's it going to be this time? Well let me tell you the consequences if you hit strike three. I pack up some things and take the baby to my moms until you pull your shit together! I put up with enough bull shit growing up. By god I'm not dealing with it from my future husband.

You get a strike three, and I'LL be the one that's out. Out of your damn life!

Try me.

Beyond the Sky

Kinda at that point in life where everyone tells me....

Sigh. To hell with it.

Confessional time.

I love my daughter and I love her daddy. But I find myself wishing I was still free to do what the hell I want to do. Be who I want to be. No strings attached.

When our parents were kids, their parents told them not to get tied down to just one person. Now we're told to stick with one person.

Don't mistake me. I'm going somewhere in life. I just graduated from public school, I have a four month old,  her dad just joined the military, and I'm starting community college in the fall, pursuing nursing.

But if I had listened to my grandparents, I'd still be in Tn, just graduated from a private school, and attending Lee University for a music career. Oh how my life would be different.

I used to be completely happy with my life. But now I just have haunting thoughts about what I really wanted for myself...

But can I have what I love AND what I want simultaneously? They say you can't have your cake and eat it too. But why the hell not??

I'm 18 for Christ's sake!!

As kids, they told us the sky was the limit. Problem with that is we have footsteps on the moon, satellites outside of our atmosphere, and pictures of Mars. Why the hell should I conform to what the meager standard is??

I just wish I had my answer already.