Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
Time's running out. I look at the clock and wonder what's next. I'm sitting in a room. All alone. It's semi dark, with only a lamp and two computer screens to light it. At first glance, I look like a boring teenager, but when you take another look, you see something different. Hunched over the keyboard, with one foot on the shelf of my makeshift desk, another foot on a lower shelf, shifty eyes going back and forth from screen to screen, anxiety written all over it. Hair tied back with a meager ribbon, and a pretty but makeup smeared face. A mix between a grimace and confusion is the true face I wear. The mask of smiles, and joy, of confidence and pride is gone. For I try to conceal my true thoughts and feelings to the outside world, but here, there's no need.
But there's no denying the difference in me. I'm not typically a whinny, snobby teenage girl, who holds out her hand for money every chance she gets. No, I'm the type that doesn't care about how much money I have, or how nice my clothes are. Yes,I have pride in myself, and self esteem issues, but material things isn't part of me. With my fiance, laptop, ipod, and creativity, I'm fine. For the most part, well, generally the least part.
Look about my small room, and it will explain some things about my personality. It's a confusion of colors, shapes, and patterns. Clothes and random objects loiter the floor and everything is crammed together. nothing in my world makes sense, and that fact is very obvious.
My family tree is as crazy as my room. Different kinds of people all jumbled together, and tons of them. Some I know well, others not at all. But love courses through our veins.
God blessed and cursed me with a heart. A soft, sweet heart that cries for others, fights for the underdog and defends the defenseless. Rewards for my accomplishments, trials, and intentions usually entails mocking, rebuke, denial, and destruction. No one listens, no matter how hard I try, so why do I bother. I can't help the way I am, I just am the way I am. Give, take, or leave it.
If you dig a little deeper into the world I'm surrounded by, it's full of pain, mistakes, and remorse. And as the only granddaughter in part of the family, and the only one whose mistakes are the least, it is impressed upon me to fix the rest of the family. To mend ties, relationships, smooth over fights, and distribute the peace. However, I tend to take the blows in return.
My mother for instance is an odd thing, Just like her father, whom I sought escape from. No, they aren't bad, nor do I hate them. I love them dearly, but that doesn't stop their actions, words, and often their harsh ways. To tell my mother this, would surely result in much vulgarity and denial. Our relationship used to be like Lorelei and Rory's from Gilmore girls. More like friends than mother and daughter. The relationship envied among many. However, that sweet, innocent, and laughter filled time has passed, and tempers, harsh tones, and tears have replaced it. Not a day goes by, it seems, that life gives me a break.
I try not to complain, for I know I'm not always the most pleasant person in the world, and my tone of voice often gets me in trouble. I wish I could control it, but I can't. For some reason I just can't, though I've tried many times. I'm not a problem child, by any means, but I'm not an easy child to raise. For I'm not really a child, but half reckless teen, and half mature adult. It leads into loads of trouble and many disciplinary actions.
My mother acts like a child, and in many ways, I'm the adult in the house. I try not to be condescending, but often times, it comes off that way. My dad, who is my dad by marriage, and dad in my heart, doesn't get involved much into the parental affairs. Doctor appointments, prescriptions, discipline, who I see, where I go, pretty much anything that involves raising me falls to my mother. Every now and then, he steps in and takes control, when he sees things get really bad. Yes, he's involved in my life, but not as much as my mother
But there's something about them you must know. They are both ill. Not in a mood sense, but in physical sense. I have been watching my mother slowly deteriorate in front of me since I was a little girl. Smarter than most, I realized something was wrong at around the age of 7, despite the lies I was told to protect me from the harsh reality. My dad is disabled as well, but it's his soul that's been damaged the most. By his past, my mother, and now, even by me.
I don't intentionally hurt people, but often I do. I've been called many things, ranging from bossy, loud, something rhyming with witch, useless, a failure, to different, weird, even phsyco. At times, I may be, but though I'm defined by these by the world, really, I'm just a scared, anxious, determined little girl who had to grow up too fast, and tries her best to survive.
I'm loved, I'm hated. I'm destroyed, and made new. I'm pretty, I'm ugly. I'm weak, I'm strong. I live in a flip flop motion of life, on the brink of disaster, and rarely in the happy medium. I have many high's and low's, and often time end up in the floor crying.
But time is running out, I need to make something out of nothing. The materials I need are just out of reach. Close enough to be seen, but far enough away to tempt and tease me. Will I ever have my happy balance? Or will I be doomed to forever live in a world of chaos.
Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick
Silence.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
...Know
So if your world was turned upside down, what would you do? Not in the literal sense of flipping something, but metaphorically speaking about life. We are so used to the way our lives are, how would you react if something happened, and everything changed?
Would you be sad, mad, confused, happy, calm, hopeful? What? Could you handle the pain of a loved one slowly dying of cancer? Or of some other disease? Could you handle the separation from someone you love more than anything? Could you handle becoming an orphan at a young age? Or could you handle the choice to give up everything for nothing? Could you handle having no friends? Or could you handle disasters in your personal world, your hometown, or global affairs?
But then again, how would you know? How would you know how you would react to something that hasn't happened yet? How would you know your reaction to something bad, when you've led a moderately happy and sheltered life? How would you know?
Is it possible to know? Would you want to know?
Would you be sad, mad, confused, happy, calm, hopeful? What? Could you handle the pain of a loved one slowly dying of cancer? Or of some other disease? Could you handle the separation from someone you love more than anything? Could you handle becoming an orphan at a young age? Or could you handle the choice to give up everything for nothing? Could you handle having no friends? Or could you handle disasters in your personal world, your hometown, or global affairs?
But then again, how would you know? How would you know how you would react to something that hasn't happened yet? How would you know your reaction to something bad, when you've led a moderately happy and sheltered life? How would you know?
Is it possible to know? Would you want to know?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The Rugged
There's the nerdy, the dirty, the goth, the jock, the hottie, the naughty, the wanna bes, the freebies. But which one is her's? The intelligent rugged hottie with the five o'clock shadow, dark hair, dark eyes, and a tan. Oh how dead on i am. Boyah!
But seriously. She's...different. Our taste's in men is so different, its not even funny. I'm a sucker for those blue eyes. She hates them. A quick brief on my guys:
1. jonathon hessar: i was ten he was slightly chubby, brown hair, blue eyes. i dated him for 7 days.
2. Hunter almy- blonde hair blues eyes, skinny. dated about 6 months.
3. nate rolen- skinny, dark hair, dark eyes. goth. were an item or dating off and on for.... 2-3 years.
4. taylor vaughn- buff, jock, blue eyes, light brown hair. 6 months.
5. rj tant- hick, blue eyes, light brown hair. ehhh... 4 months?
6. ian mocniak- skinny, pale, blonde hair, blue eyes. off an on about 1 1/2 years.
7. a teacher. no names. :/ ooops. blue eyes... idk hair. brown at one point in time. my entire 9th grade year. {crush nothing more. chill out}
8. Brandon Coggins- my fiance. brown hair, blue/green/grey eyes. buff, smart. sweet. etc. 8 months the 30th of may. and on going.
Ok. So.. Zaelyn's guys-
1. taylor vaughn, yes the one i dated. a few months
2. scott dawson- smart, blonde hair blue eyes. a few months
3. many crushes: mr. chefield off the nanny, dude from castle, etc.
So, you get the point.
BIG difference. And that's ok. She has always set higher standards for herself than I have. I tend to come and go as i please. Whatever may happen. Groundings, threats of expulsion, suspension... Well, not all related to guys... Anyways. And the sad thing is, is that's not all the guys ive taken an interest in since i hit 12. oh no. there are many more. but Zaelyn, is more conservative. She hates letting people inside her walls. It's a miracle i got in. But saying how i bit her for taking my shovel...well, things happen when you bite. ;)
Anyways, her type is sweet, mysterious, dark, tall, handsome. The dream guy that every little girl wanted to marry when they were little, but somehow it never happened. But no, she refuses to lower her standards. She must have the best, and the best is what she'll get.
I got someone great too. I love him more than anything. But Zaelyn would prefer to be single than waste her time bouncing around form guy to guy like i did.
So await she does, for her prince charming. For her king Arthur. Her knight in shining armor. No. that's too gaudy for her. He'd probably be dressed in black leather..
The rugged kind. It's just her type.
But seriously. She's...different. Our taste's in men is so different, its not even funny. I'm a sucker for those blue eyes. She hates them. A quick brief on my guys:
1. jonathon hessar: i was ten he was slightly chubby, brown hair, blue eyes. i dated him for 7 days.
2. Hunter almy- blonde hair blues eyes, skinny. dated about 6 months.
3. nate rolen- skinny, dark hair, dark eyes. goth. were an item or dating off and on for.... 2-3 years.
4. taylor vaughn- buff, jock, blue eyes, light brown hair. 6 months.
5. rj tant- hick, blue eyes, light brown hair. ehhh... 4 months?
6. ian mocniak- skinny, pale, blonde hair, blue eyes. off an on about 1 1/2 years.
7. a teacher. no names. :/ ooops. blue eyes... idk hair. brown at one point in time. my entire 9th grade year. {crush nothing more. chill out}
8. Brandon Coggins- my fiance. brown hair, blue/green/grey eyes. buff, smart. sweet. etc. 8 months the 30th of may. and on going.
Ok. So.. Zaelyn's guys-
1. taylor vaughn, yes the one i dated. a few months
2. scott dawson- smart, blonde hair blue eyes. a few months
3. many crushes: mr. chefield off the nanny, dude from castle, etc.
So, you get the point.
BIG difference. And that's ok. She has always set higher standards for herself than I have. I tend to come and go as i please. Whatever may happen. Groundings, threats of expulsion, suspension... Well, not all related to guys... Anyways. And the sad thing is, is that's not all the guys ive taken an interest in since i hit 12. oh no. there are many more. but Zaelyn, is more conservative. She hates letting people inside her walls. It's a miracle i got in. But saying how i bit her for taking my shovel...well, things happen when you bite. ;)
Anyways, her type is sweet, mysterious, dark, tall, handsome. The dream guy that every little girl wanted to marry when they were little, but somehow it never happened. But no, she refuses to lower her standards. She must have the best, and the best is what she'll get.
I got someone great too. I love him more than anything. But Zaelyn would prefer to be single than waste her time bouncing around form guy to guy like i did.
So await she does, for her prince charming. For her king Arthur. Her knight in shining armor. No. that's too gaudy for her. He'd probably be dressed in black leather..
The rugged kind. It's just her type.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Just Shut Up Already
When I’m nervous I have this thing yeah I talk too much
Sometimes I just can’t shut the hell up
It’s like I need to tell someone anyone who’ll listen
And that’s where I seem to fuck up, yeah
I forget about the consequences, for a minute there I lose my senses
And in the heat of the moment my mouth’s starts going the words start flowing
But I never meant to hurt you, I know it’s time that I learnt to
Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved
This is a lesson learnt and I hate that I let you down and I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around cause now I’m the one that’s hurting yeah
And I hate that I made you think that that the trust we had is broken
So don’t tell me you can’t forgive me
Cause nobody’s perfect, no, no, no
Have you ever said something... Something you meant as a joke, but came out wrong? Something, that once said, you wish you could take back? But you can't? Because it's like trying to shove toothpaste back into the tube. It's near impossible.
Well, i said something to a girl today. Someone I really admire. She's sweet, she's funny, she's all around one of the coolest, and greatest girls I've ever had the privilege to know. She's always been nice to me, and recently even started opening up and sharing a few things with me. But i screwed up. i opened my big mouth.We were joking around about something...and I said something bad. I didn't mean to. It was playful and silly in my head, but when it came out... it was horrible. Low, even b!tchy. It made me sound like a snobby b!tch, and her look like a dirty scank. Which neither is true at all.
She asked me what the hell I meant by it, and I tried to tell her then that I was just playing. I didn't mean anything by it, but i don't think she knows how bad I feel.
I'm not the type to be mean out of spite. i hate hurting people. And I almost ALWAYS hurt myself in the process. When I burn bridges, it's accidental. It's a lit match thrown in the direction of a pile of sticks. An unintentional wildfire. One that can't be stopped till it burns out. Leaving unimaginable damage in it's wake.
What I hate, is I'm getting mixed opinions about it from 2 people close to her, and i don't know what to think... I want to find out where she lives, knock on her door, and apologize right now. But i cant do something that drastic... and i doubt anyone would tell me anyways.
How do you fix something like this?? How do you ask forgiveness knowing it may not be given? i wish i could turn back time and do it differently, but I can't.
Why can't i just shut up already? Why can't i keep the tooth paste in the tube, and the match in the box.
Sometimes I just can’t shut the hell up
It’s like I need to tell someone anyone who’ll listen
And that’s where I seem to fuck up, yeah
I forget about the consequences, for a minute there I lose my senses
And in the heat of the moment my mouth’s starts going the words start flowing
But I never meant to hurt you, I know it’s time that I learnt to
Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved
This is a lesson learnt and I hate that I let you down and I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around cause now I’m the one that’s hurting yeah
And I hate that I made you think that that the trust we had is broken
So don’t tell me you can’t forgive me
Cause nobody’s perfect, no, no, no
Have you ever said something... Something you meant as a joke, but came out wrong? Something, that once said, you wish you could take back? But you can't? Because it's like trying to shove toothpaste back into the tube. It's near impossible.
Well, i said something to a girl today. Someone I really admire. She's sweet, she's funny, she's all around one of the coolest, and greatest girls I've ever had the privilege to know. She's always been nice to me, and recently even started opening up and sharing a few things with me. But i screwed up. i opened my big mouth.We were joking around about something...and I said something bad. I didn't mean to. It was playful and silly in my head, but when it came out... it was horrible. Low, even b!tchy. It made me sound like a snobby b!tch, and her look like a dirty scank. Which neither is true at all.
She asked me what the hell I meant by it, and I tried to tell her then that I was just playing. I didn't mean anything by it, but i don't think she knows how bad I feel.
I'm not the type to be mean out of spite. i hate hurting people. And I almost ALWAYS hurt myself in the process. When I burn bridges, it's accidental. It's a lit match thrown in the direction of a pile of sticks. An unintentional wildfire. One that can't be stopped till it burns out. Leaving unimaginable damage in it's wake.
What I hate, is I'm getting mixed opinions about it from 2 people close to her, and i don't know what to think... I want to find out where she lives, knock on her door, and apologize right now. But i cant do something that drastic... and i doubt anyone would tell me anyways.
How do you fix something like this?? How do you ask forgiveness knowing it may not be given? i wish i could turn back time and do it differently, but I can't.
Why can't i just shut up already? Why can't i keep the tooth paste in the tube, and the match in the box.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Say
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say [x24]
Say- John Mayer
I need to say I'm sorry.
I need to say I love you.
I need to say i wish I could turn back the time. To go back and do it all over again.
I need to say that i can make up for my mistakes.
I need to say i can make it right again.
I need to say I'm not afraid.
I need to say I believe in myself.
I need to say i have hope.
I need to say I'm not scared.
I need to say that I wish i was 3 again.
I need to say I'll be better than the rest.
I need to say I'll make him proud.
I need to say that I'll be ok.
I need to say that I'm not obsessed with what he thinks.
I need to say i can move on.
I need to say it doesn't matter anymore.
I need to say that the past is the past.
But even though i need to say those things, I can't. I will always:
Want to say I'm sorry.
Want to say I love you.
Want to say i wish I could turn back the time. To go back and do it all over again.
Want to say that i can make up for my mistakes.
Want to say i can make it right again.
Want to say I'm not afraid.
Want to say I believe in myself.
Want to say i have hope.
Want to say I'm not scared.
Want to say that I wish i was 3 again.
Want to say I'll be better than the rest.
Want to say I'll make him proud.
Want to say that I'll be ok.
Want to say that I'm not obsessed with what he thinks.
Want to say i can move on.
Want to say it doesn't matter anymore.
Want to say that the past is the past.
But I can't say what I need to say.
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say [x24]
Say- John Mayer
I need to say I'm sorry.
I need to say I love you.
I need to say i wish I could turn back the time. To go back and do it all over again.
I need to say that i can make up for my mistakes.
I need to say i can make it right again.
I need to say I'm not afraid.
I need to say I believe in myself.
I need to say i have hope.
I need to say I'm not scared.
I need to say that I wish i was 3 again.
I need to say I'll be better than the rest.
I need to say I'll make him proud.
I need to say that I'll be ok.
I need to say that I'm not obsessed with what he thinks.
I need to say i can move on.
I need to say it doesn't matter anymore.
I need to say that the past is the past.
But even though i need to say those things, I can't. I will always:
Want to say I'm sorry.
Want to say I love you.
Want to say i wish I could turn back the time. To go back and do it all over again.
Want to say that i can make up for my mistakes.
Want to say i can make it right again.
Want to say I'm not afraid.
Want to say I believe in myself.
Want to say i have hope.
Want to say I'm not scared.
Want to say that I wish i was 3 again.
Want to say I'll be better than the rest.
Want to say I'll make him proud.
Want to say that I'll be ok.
Want to say that I'm not obsessed with what he thinks.
Want to say i can move on.
Want to say it doesn't matter anymore.
Want to say that the past is the past.
But I can't say what I need to say.
A Shared Fate
Silence. In the cover of darkness.
Were there stars in the sky? Did you breathe in the night air? Or was it unexpected. No time for goodbyes. Just slowly rocked into a sleep you'd never wake from. Did the angels carry you on wings so sweet on up to heavens gates? Or did Satan fool your poor old soul and trick you into the depths of despair. Were you ready to go? To meet your brother with arms wide open. Did you run into each others arms? Rejoicing after the years had passed. Was it what you wanted? Had you finished what you had cared to do? Do you wish you could have a second chance? Or are you satisfied with the life you left behind.
We will never know. For we can't ask you. We must wait our turns. Patiently or not. To discover your fate.
Almost 4 years ago you sat in the front pew of your brother's funeral. Weeping like a child. No remorse for your true feelings. You were able to express what the rest of us couldn't. Pride didn't step in the way. No you were open. Like a window. Not commonly accepted behavior, but I envy you. For you didn't care. You loved him. To hell with the rest. To hell with the opinions of others.
I envy you. For you have him there in your grasp. You reached that destination that I eagerly await. But await I must. For my turn. Do I wish death. not now. I have a life to live. To make him proud is my goal. Give him my love, for though I knew you both so little, love is what I have for you.
In the cover of darkness, was death. A shared fate. Left us in silence.
Were there stars in the sky? Did you breathe in the night air? Or was it unexpected. No time for goodbyes. Just slowly rocked into a sleep you'd never wake from. Did the angels carry you on wings so sweet on up to heavens gates? Or did Satan fool your poor old soul and trick you into the depths of despair. Were you ready to go? To meet your brother with arms wide open. Did you run into each others arms? Rejoicing after the years had passed. Was it what you wanted? Had you finished what you had cared to do? Do you wish you could have a second chance? Or are you satisfied with the life you left behind.
We will never know. For we can't ask you. We must wait our turns. Patiently or not. To discover your fate.
Almost 4 years ago you sat in the front pew of your brother's funeral. Weeping like a child. No remorse for your true feelings. You were able to express what the rest of us couldn't. Pride didn't step in the way. No you were open. Like a window. Not commonly accepted behavior, but I envy you. For you didn't care. You loved him. To hell with the rest. To hell with the opinions of others.
I envy you. For you have him there in your grasp. You reached that destination that I eagerly await. But await I must. For my turn. Do I wish death. not now. I have a life to live. To make him proud is my goal. Give him my love, for though I knew you both so little, love is what I have for you.
In the cover of darkness, was death. A shared fate. Left us in silence.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Death and Immortality
People die everyday.
From infants and fetuses to 80, 90, 100 year old people. It's a horrible thing that I hate very much. But to truely understand something, you have to come to grips with it first.
No I dont like it at all. I hate it.... because death has robbed me of many people I love, and its doing so as we speak. But I cannot stop it. Therefore I must accept it to be able to continue living.
Why does death occur? For some it's a release from the past. For others, it is a dreaded date in their future.
Why can't we be immortal? Would it really be that bad? But then again, would we really want to be immortal? For not everyone could be immortal, obviously. So seeing our friends, family, pets die before us, knowing we must carry on as we are, could have a very negative impact on our souls.
But for arguments sake, if we had the choice to be immortal, would we take it? Are there things we could benefit from it? Money, power, love... They say you only have one chance to make life count. To make your choices wisely, for once you die, you can't redo it. Well, if we could be immortal, we might have a chance to do things over, to make things right.
What would the price be, though? In Harry Potter, it was the Philosopher's Stone that gave immortality. When the stone was destroyed, the maker, Nicholas Flammel died soon after. (Sorry if you have no idea what I'm talking about) But what was the price one paid for using the Stone? The books never really say.
Would our soul be lost? Would it slowly diminish as time wore on?
Who is to know? Possible God, or some other higher being, based upon your belief system.
Immortality... and Death. Some of the most contemplated and confusing, yet simple principles of life.
From infants and fetuses to 80, 90, 100 year old people. It's a horrible thing that I hate very much. But to truely understand something, you have to come to grips with it first.
No I dont like it at all. I hate it.... because death has robbed me of many people I love, and its doing so as we speak. But I cannot stop it. Therefore I must accept it to be able to continue living.
Why does death occur? For some it's a release from the past. For others, it is a dreaded date in their future.
Why can't we be immortal? Would it really be that bad? But then again, would we really want to be immortal? For not everyone could be immortal, obviously. So seeing our friends, family, pets die before us, knowing we must carry on as we are, could have a very negative impact on our souls.
But for arguments sake, if we had the choice to be immortal, would we take it? Are there things we could benefit from it? Money, power, love... They say you only have one chance to make life count. To make your choices wisely, for once you die, you can't redo it. Well, if we could be immortal, we might have a chance to do things over, to make things right.
What would the price be, though? In Harry Potter, it was the Philosopher's Stone that gave immortality. When the stone was destroyed, the maker, Nicholas Flammel died soon after. (Sorry if you have no idea what I'm talking about) But what was the price one paid for using the Stone? The books never really say.
Would our soul be lost? Would it slowly diminish as time wore on?
Who is to know? Possible God, or some other higher being, based upon your belief system.
Immortality... and Death. Some of the most contemplated and confusing, yet simple principles of life.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Devastation
SaraBeth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white
Something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you
sarabeth- rascal flatts
spreading. choking out life like the darkness. making you weaker and weaker. so the put poison in your body to try and kill whats killing you. but in turn, that kills you too. when surgery is out of the options, radiation quit working, and now chemo stops working... what do you do?
she went from a beautiful, healthy, and strong woman. and now cancer has left her weak, and pale.
scared so bad, i cant even pick up the phone and call her. for fear that i will burst into tears at hearing the weakness and pain in her voice. nor can i email her husband and tell him my fears. i know they'll understand. but selfishly, i cant do it.
when we first found out, she called me and promised me she'd be ok. that she'd fight it and beat it. but now she'd losing her fight. and im left praying for a miracle. waiting on those occasional emails updating us on her condition. we wait anxiously on the news. hoping and praying she'll pull through. at first, the emails were long, encouraging, and had good information on treatment. but slowly, those emails became short, to the point, and silently devastating.
and exactly as i did when she first told me the news, i hit my knees and beg God to save her. to spare her the fate of death by defeat from this horrible thing. but all i can do is sit in the floor and sob. for i dont have the courage that she needs me to have.
devastation. living in its midst, im lost. wandering in the darkness, and drowning in the tears i shed for her.
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white
Something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you
sarabeth- rascal flatts
spreading. choking out life like the darkness. making you weaker and weaker. so the put poison in your body to try and kill whats killing you. but in turn, that kills you too. when surgery is out of the options, radiation quit working, and now chemo stops working... what do you do?
she went from a beautiful, healthy, and strong woman. and now cancer has left her weak, and pale.
scared so bad, i cant even pick up the phone and call her. for fear that i will burst into tears at hearing the weakness and pain in her voice. nor can i email her husband and tell him my fears. i know they'll understand. but selfishly, i cant do it.
when we first found out, she called me and promised me she'd be ok. that she'd fight it and beat it. but now she'd losing her fight. and im left praying for a miracle. waiting on those occasional emails updating us on her condition. we wait anxiously on the news. hoping and praying she'll pull through. at first, the emails were long, encouraging, and had good information on treatment. but slowly, those emails became short, to the point, and silently devastating.
and exactly as i did when she first told me the news, i hit my knees and beg God to save her. to spare her the fate of death by defeat from this horrible thing. but all i can do is sit in the floor and sob. for i dont have the courage that she needs me to have.
devastation. living in its midst, im lost. wandering in the darkness, and drowning in the tears i shed for her.
Innocence
This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
Innocence- Avril
Slipping on her ballet slippers, wearing a leotard and mesh flowing skirt. Twirling around a couple of times, a few positions, and maybe a small leap or two. It transformed a tomboy into a sweet and graceful girl. What innocence!
Running through an open field of knee high grass that would trip us, sending us rolling down a slight hill. Wearing mixed matched sweat pants and sweatshirts. Playing on the ground, looking up at the clouds, giggles filling the air. Making sweet little crowns from flowers. What innocence!
Getting high off of chocolate cake, eating cookie dough from the roll with spoons, and creeping quietly down stairs in the middle of the night, avoiding the creaky steps. What innocence!
Sitting in a room, next to her mother, listening to her slowly pick notes out on a beautiful black piano. Just another piano lesson. Slowly, she picks up on the notes quicker, and with a little encouragement, and a short amount of time, she plays those simple notes, and complex chords with agility. What innocence!
But those ballet shoes and leotard turned to high heels, a suit, and a court room.
Those flower crowns and sweat suits turned to makeup and pom poms.
Now when we sneak, its not down steps, its in our individual lives. Around the truth and reality of life.
And that beautiful piano music no longer can be heard. For we are all grown up, and innocence no longer exists.
We went our own paths. True, we are still best friends and sisters of fate, but so different we are. She grew up. And so did I. Matured beyond our years.
Child like innocence. Gone. Swept away on a breeze, burned away by the sun, suppressed by the darkness, washed away by tears.
What innocence?
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
Innocence- Avril
Slipping on her ballet slippers, wearing a leotard and mesh flowing skirt. Twirling around a couple of times, a few positions, and maybe a small leap or two. It transformed a tomboy into a sweet and graceful girl. What innocence!
Running through an open field of knee high grass that would trip us, sending us rolling down a slight hill. Wearing mixed matched sweat pants and sweatshirts. Playing on the ground, looking up at the clouds, giggles filling the air. Making sweet little crowns from flowers. What innocence!
Getting high off of chocolate cake, eating cookie dough from the roll with spoons, and creeping quietly down stairs in the middle of the night, avoiding the creaky steps. What innocence!
Sitting in a room, next to her mother, listening to her slowly pick notes out on a beautiful black piano. Just another piano lesson. Slowly, she picks up on the notes quicker, and with a little encouragement, and a short amount of time, she plays those simple notes, and complex chords with agility. What innocence!
But those ballet shoes and leotard turned to high heels, a suit, and a court room.
Those flower crowns and sweat suits turned to makeup and pom poms.
Now when we sneak, its not down steps, its in our individual lives. Around the truth and reality of life.
And that beautiful piano music no longer can be heard. For we are all grown up, and innocence no longer exists.
We went our own paths. True, we are still best friends and sisters of fate, but so different we are. She grew up. And so did I. Matured beyond our years.
Child like innocence. Gone. Swept away on a breeze, burned away by the sun, suppressed by the darkness, washed away by tears.
What innocence?
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