If I told you I loved you
What would you say?
Would you simply dismiss it
Or would it make your day?

If I told you I cared
Would it mean anything?
Would it fail to register
Just too unbeliving.

If I told you I worried
What would you think?
Is this woman crazy?
Would you even blink?

If I asked you to dance
Would you twirl me away?
Without hesitation,
Or with too much dismay.

If I asked for your hand
Would you gladly surrender
Or would you tell me to wait
So the world won't remember

If I told you I missed you
Would pay me heed
Or would you just laugh
And choose not to believe.

But does it really matter
For I'll never tell.
Just how I feel
It's locked up in a cell.

So you'll be my friend
No more, no less.
But forever you'll be
Simply the best.

Release

It never ceases to amaze me but also break my heart how people we love can disappear so quickly. Sometimes it's an ongoing battle that we try to deny, and others it happens so quickly that we have no time to deny it.

But without fail...denial comes. Sometime.

But the worst is when it hits home. When we realize that they truely are gone. That their sweet faces will never grace our day again. When we wait for that one response to an inside joke, that never comes. The answer to a phone call, but all we get is a voicemail, or possibly even a message of disconnection. When we have a question, but know we'll never get an answer.

It tears our heart apart, in a way that nothing else could. We look around, and sometimes we feel like the only one who cares, but others we look around and there's not a dry eye around.

Maybe you skipped the anger, or the denial, or the derpression, or maybe you're one of the lucky ones, and you skipped all of it. Or if you were really lucky, you missed it all and never had to go through the pain of adoring them then losing them.

But maybe... you weren't lucky at all. Perhaps you missed out on knowing one of the most wonderful people in the world.

Or maybe you're like me. Stuck somewhere in the middle. Perhaps you've lost an amazing person, then you're also watching others lose someone they loved too. The impact of both hits you, and you realize that you'll never watch them go through their routine, or share a laugh, or make them smile, or even simply pick a hair off their clothes again.

What's worse? Knowing that the person you love is dying, but never telling them you love them or goodbye? Or not knowing they were going to die and still not be able to tell them you love them or goodbye?

What would you say? What would you do? Would you look through old pictures? Or take new ones. Would you go buy new clothes? Or dress up in old ones. Would you reminisce on old memories? Or make new ones?

Or maybe you would give anything just to see them again. Just to sit there and memorize everything about them. From the random freckles you never noticed, or the way they sit. Or that certain perfume they wear. Memorize the way the light shines off their hair, or the sparkle in their eyes.

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

But where's the guilt in those stages? It's there, but where would you fit it? With me it's everywhere. Knowing I could have called, but didn't. Knowing I could have wrote a letter, but never sent it.

And now it's too late.

And the worst part, is knowing she's now my gaurdian angel, though I never did anything to deserve it.

The worst part is knowing I threw my faith aside because she died, when she clung to it with everything she had.

Now comes the backpedaling. Trying to go back and fix what you did wrong. Trying to clean up the mess you made. Trying maybe, just maybe, if you wished hard enough, to bring them back.

Then comes prayer. Whether you want to or not. It comes out. In one from or another.

Declaration comes sometime after that. Telling the world that you figured out that hole in your heart won't ever close. Telling the world that you want them back, that you messed up, or whatever you've been holding inside.

In place of acceptance, could be release. That moment you've been dreading, but also needing.

And then, it's ok.

Where are you?


In loving memory of Shirley Feagans and Meaghan R. Jones.

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/gadsdentimes/obituary.aspx?n=shirley-w-van-pelt-feagans&pid=153072496

http://www.bryantriangle.com/news/bryan-mourns-meaghan-r-jones-2/

Holes.

Have you ever had a fear, that was so bad, you couldn't physically tell anyone? That just stayed locked up inside you, pulsing in the back of your head, keeping you awake at night, maybe even starving you till you withered away into nothing more than an empty shell?

A fear that became a secret that you didn't tell the people you loved, not even your best friend, not even your teddy bear. Well I have a fear like that, and it may seem trivial to you, but to me, it's a nightmare.

For the first time in my life, I am telling the world my secret.

When my mom was pregnant with me, they saw on an ultrasound that I had abnormal holes in my heart. Yes, there is a hole in a baby's heart that is supposed to close up at birth, but mine weren't quite like that. After I was born, I was immediately referenced to a cardiologist and had tests run. The holes, I had 2 of them, didn't grow up at birth, so they were closely monitored from then on. Every few months, then ever year, then every 2 years, I would go to my cardiologist for more tests. I would have an EKG, which is where they stick tons of wires on you with little sticky squares on them, and I would also have an ultrasound of my heart done. As a child, and even as I got older, this scared me half to death.

When I was 12 the Dr. said that 1 of the holes had closed up, and the other had shrunk so small that he couldn't see it anymore, but he could still hear it. I wouldn't ever have to come back. Great news!

My good news lasted for 2 years. When I was 14, I was in 8th grade and I was in the middle of tennis season. I started feeling bad all the time, I had migraines, blackouts every time I stood up, or sat down, I didn't eat a lot, and I was always tired and out of breath. So I went to my pediatrician and they did a normal checkup, drew a thing of blood, which made me pass out, and did a urine test. All tests came back fine.

So I was sent back to the dreaded cardiologist. And let me tell you, I was scared. They did another EKG and ultrasound and they even did a chest x-ray, which was a new experience for me, and not one I liked. The results came back, and the Dr. said that he didn't think it was my heart, but they did find something. It was completely unexpected. Not only was that 1 hole still there, that he could hear, another hole that they had never seen before, was now there. He told me, "you'll be ok."

When someone has a heart attack, you can't just tell them, "oh, you'll be ok. Nothing to worry about." When in all actuality, there's a big risk they could have another. Same principle with my heart. You couldn't ever hear or see a hole in my heart, then after 14 years, suddenly find a new one, and then just say  "oh you'll be ok."

That's fucking bullshit, that has haunted me to this day. 

But what really hit me, was when back in November 2010, I had a miscarriage. I have always blamed myself for losing my baby, but when I thought about my heart defect, it scared me. What if it's passed down to my children? What if I lose another child to heart defects? Or even worse, what if the Dr.'s tell me that it's not safe to have children because of it?

Recent studies have also found that those with PFO, are more likely to suffer from migraines.

You want to know what they said was wrong with me in 8th grade? They said it was stress. What a load of bullshit.

That's the reason I want to be a pediatric nurse, preferably in the heart ward. Because I remember being haunted and having nightmares as a child form having to go have tests run on my heart my entire life. But I also remember those sweet nurses that tried to ease my fears and confusion. I want to be that comfort for another child that may or does have a heart defect.

Because of PFO,  I am at greater risk of having a stroke. I'm not allowed to get over weight, drink or smoke in excess, and I have to take a special type of birth control, to ensure that I don't have an increase in blood clots.

This is what scares me. That I could possibly die from 2 abnormal holes in my heart. Or that more could have appeared. That if were to be fixed, would require heart surgery. At 16 I am scared for my life. And no one ever knew.

Till now.

In a World of Chaos

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Time's running out. I look at the clock and wonder what's next. I'm sitting in a room. All alone. It's semi dark, with only a lamp and two computer screens to light it. At first glance, I look like a boring teenager, but when you take another look, you see something different. Hunched over the keyboard, with one foot on the shelf of my makeshift desk, another foot on a lower shelf, shifty eyes going back and forth from screen to screen, anxiety written all over it. Hair tied back with a meager ribbon, and a pretty but makeup smeared face. A mix between a grimace and confusion is the true face I wear. The mask of smiles, and joy, of confidence and pride is gone. For I try to conceal my true thoughts and feelings to the outside world, but here, there's no need.

But there's no denying the difference in me. I'm not typically a whinny, snobby teenage girl, who holds out her hand for money every chance she gets. No, I'm the type that doesn't care about how much money I have, or how nice my clothes are. Yes,I have pride in myself, and self esteem issues, but material things isn't part of me. With my fiance, laptop, ipod, and creativity, I'm fine. For the most part, well, generally the least part.

Look about my small room, and it will explain some things about my personality. It's a confusion of colors, shapes, and patterns. Clothes and random objects loiter the floor and everything is crammed together. nothing in my world makes sense, and that fact is very obvious.

My family tree is as crazy as my room. Different kinds of people all jumbled together, and tons of them. Some I know well, others not at all. But love courses through our veins.

God blessed and cursed me with a heart. A soft, sweet heart that cries for others, fights for the underdog and defends the defenseless. Rewards for my accomplishments, trials, and intentions usually entails mocking, rebuke, denial, and destruction. No one listens, no matter how hard I try, so why do I bother. I can't help the way I am, I just am the way I am.  Give, take, or leave it.

If you dig a little deeper into the world I'm surrounded by, it's full of pain, mistakes, and remorse. And as the only granddaughter in part of the family, and the only one whose mistakes are the least, it is impressed upon me to fix the rest of the family. To mend ties, relationships, smooth over fights, and distribute the peace. However, I tend to take the blows in return.

My mother for instance is an odd thing, Just like her father, whom I sought escape from. No, they aren't bad, nor do I hate them. I love them dearly, but that doesn't stop their actions, words, and often their harsh ways. To tell my mother this, would surely result in much vulgarity and denial. Our relationship used to be like Lorelei and Rory's from Gilmore girls. More like friends than mother and daughter. The relationship envied among many. However, that sweet, innocent, and laughter filled time has passed, and tempers, harsh tones, and tears have replaced it. Not a day goes by, it seems, that life gives me a break.

I try not to complain, for I know I'm not always the most pleasant person in the world, and my tone of voice often gets me in trouble. I wish I could control it, but I can't. For some reason I just can't, though I've tried many times. I'm not a problem child, by any means, but I'm not an easy child to raise. For I'm not really a child, but half reckless teen, and half mature adult. It leads into loads of trouble and many disciplinary actions.

My mother acts like a child, and in many ways, I'm the adult in the house. I try not to be condescending, but often times, it comes off that way. My dad, who is my dad by marriage, and dad in my heart, doesn't get involved much into the parental affairs. Doctor appointments, prescriptions, discipline, who I see, where I go, pretty much anything that involves raising me falls to my mother. Every now and then, he steps in and takes control, when he sees things get really bad. Yes, he's involved in my life, but not as much as my mother

But there's something about them you must know. They are both ill. Not in a mood sense, but in physical sense. I have been watching my mother slowly deteriorate in front of me since I was a little girl. Smarter than most, I realized something was wrong at around the age of 7, despite the lies I was told to protect me from the harsh reality. My dad is disabled as well, but it's his soul that's been damaged the most. By his past, my mother, and now, even by me.

I don't intentionally hurt people, but often I do. I've been called many things, ranging from bossy, loud, something rhyming with witch, useless, a failure, to different, weird, even phsyco. At times, I may be, but though I'm defined by these by the world, really, I'm just a scared, anxious, determined little girl who had to grow up too fast, and tries her best to survive.

I'm loved, I'm hated. I'm destroyed, and made new. I'm pretty, I'm ugly. I'm weak, I'm strong. I live in a flip flop motion of life, on the brink of disaster, and rarely in the happy medium. I have many high's and low's, and often time end up in the floor crying.

But time is running out, I need to make something out of nothing. The materials I need are just out of reach. Close enough to be seen, but far enough away to tempt and tease me. Will I ever have my happy balance? Or will I be doomed to forever live in a world of chaos.

Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick

Silence.

...Know

So if your world was turned upside down, what would you do? Not in the literal sense of flipping something, but metaphorically speaking about life. We are so used to the way our lives are, how would you react if something happened, and everything changed?

Would you be sad, mad, confused, happy, calm, hopeful? What? Could you handle the pain of a loved one slowly dying of cancer? Or of some other disease? Could you handle the separation from someone you love more than anything? Could you handle becoming an orphan at a young age? Or could you handle the choice to give up everything for nothing? Could you handle having no friends? Or could you handle disasters in your personal world, your hometown, or global affairs?

But then again, how would you know? How would you know how you would react to something that hasn't happened yet? How would you know your reaction to something bad, when you've led a moderately happy and sheltered life? How would you know?

Is it possible to know? Would you want to know?

The Rugged

There's the nerdy, the dirty, the goth, the jock, the hottie, the naughty, the wanna bes,  the freebies. But which one is her's? The intelligent rugged hottie with the five o'clock shadow, dark hair, dark eyes, and a tan. Oh how dead on i am. Boyah!

But seriously. She's...different. Our taste's in men is so different, its not even funny. I'm a sucker for those blue eyes. She hates them. A quick brief on my guys:
1. jonathon hessar: i was ten he was slightly chubby, brown hair, blue eyes. i dated him for 7 days.
2. Hunter almy- blonde hair blues eyes, skinny. dated about 6 months.
3. nate rolen- skinny, dark hair, dark eyes. goth. were an item or dating off and on for.... 2-3 years.
4. taylor vaughn- buff, jock, blue eyes, light brown hair. 6 months.
5. rj tant- hick, blue eyes, light brown hair. ehhh... 4 months?
6. ian mocniak-  skinny, pale, blonde hair, blue eyes. off an on about 1 1/2 years.
7.  a teacher. no names. :/ ooops. blue eyes... idk hair. brown at one point in time. my entire 9th grade year. {crush nothing more. chill out}
8. Brandon Coggins- my fiance. brown hair, blue/green/grey eyes. buff, smart. sweet. etc. 8 months the 30th of may. and on going.


Ok. So.. Zaelyn's guys-

1. taylor vaughn, yes the one i dated. a few months
2. scott dawson- smart, blonde hair blue eyes. a few months
3. many crushes: mr. chefield off the nanny, dude from castle, etc.

So, you get the point.

BIG difference. And that's ok. She has always set higher standards for herself than I have. I tend to come and go as i please. Whatever may happen. Groundings, threats of expulsion, suspension... Well, not all related to guys... Anyways. And the sad thing is, is that's not all the guys ive taken  an interest in since i hit 12. oh no. there are many more. but Zaelyn, is more conservative. She hates letting people inside her walls. It's a miracle i got in. But saying how i bit her for taking my shovel...well, things happen when you bite. ;)

Anyways, her type is sweet, mysterious, dark, tall, handsome. The dream guy that every little girl wanted to marry when they were little, but somehow it never happened. But no, she refuses to lower her standards. She must have the best, and the best is what she'll get.

I got someone great too. I love him more than anything. But Zaelyn would prefer to be single than waste her time bouncing around form guy to guy like i did.

So await she does, for her prince charming. For her king Arthur. Her knight in shining armor. No. that's too gaudy for her. He'd probably be dressed in black leather..

The rugged kind. It's just her type.

Just Shut Up Already

When I’m nervous I have this thing yeah I talk too much
Sometimes I just can’t shut the hell up
It’s like I need to tell someone anyone who’ll listen
And that’s where I seem to fuck up, yeah
I forget about the consequences, for a minute there I lose my senses
And in the heat of the moment my mouth’s starts going the words start flowing

But I never meant to hurt you, I know it’s time that I learnt to
Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved
This is a lesson learnt and I hate that I let you down and I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around cause now I’m the one that’s hurting yeah
And I hate that I made you think that that the trust we had is broken
So don’t tell me you can’t forgive me
Cause nobody’s perfect, no, no, no

Nobody's Perfect- Jessie J

Have you ever said something... Something you meant as a joke, but came out wrong? Something, that once said, you wish you could take back? But you can't? Because it's like trying to shove toothpaste back into the tube. It's near impossible.

Well, i said something to a girl today. Someone I really admire. She's sweet, she's funny, she's all around one of the coolest, and greatest girls I've ever had the privilege to know. She's always been nice to me, and recently even started opening up and sharing a few things with me. But i screwed up. i opened my big mouth.We were joking around about something...and I said something bad. I didn't mean to. It was playful and silly in my head, but when it came out... it was horrible. Low, even b!tchy. It made me sound like a snobby b!tch, and her look like a dirty scank. Which neither is true at all.

She asked me what the hell I meant by it, and I tried to tell her then that I was just playing. I didn't mean anything by it, but i don't think she knows how bad I feel.

I'm not the type to be mean out of spite. i hate hurting people. And I almost ALWAYS hurt myself in the process. When I burn bridges, it's accidental. It's a lit match thrown in the direction of a pile of sticks. An unintentional wildfire. One that can't be stopped till it burns out. Leaving unimaginable damage in it's wake.

 What I hate, is I'm getting mixed opinions about it from 2 people close to her, and i don't know what to think... I want to find out where she lives, knock on her door, and apologize right now. But i cant do something that drastic... and i doubt anyone would tell me anyways.

How do you fix something like this?? How do you ask forgiveness knowing it may not be given? i wish i could turn back time and do it differently, but I can't.

Why can't i just shut up already? Why can't i keep the tooth paste in the tube, and the match in the box.

Say

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

Say- John Mayer

I need to say I'm sorry.
I need to say I love you.
I need to say i wish I could turn back the time. To go back and do it all over again.
I need to say that i can make up for my mistakes.
I need to say i can make it right again.
I need to say I'm not afraid.
I need to say I believe in myself.
I need to say i have hope.
I need to say I'm not scared.
I need to say that I wish i was 3 again.
I need to say I'll be better than the rest.
I need to say I'll make him proud.
I need to say that I'll be ok.
I need to say that I'm not obsessed with what he thinks.
I need to say i can move on.
I need to say it doesn't matter anymore.
I need to say that the past is the past.

But even though i need to say those things, I can't. I will always:

Want to say I'm sorry.
Want to say I love you.
Want to say i wish I could turn back the time. To go back and do it all over again.
Want to say that i can make up for my mistakes.
Want to say i can make it right again.
Want to say I'm not afraid.
Want to say I believe in myself.
Want to say i have hope.
Want to say I'm not scared.

Want to say that I wish i was 3 again.
Want to say I'll be better than the rest.
Want to say I'll make him proud.
Want to say that I'll be ok.
Want to say that I'm not obsessed with what he thinks.
Want to say i can move on.
Want to say it doesn't matter anymore.

Want to say that the past is the past.

But I can't say what I need to say.

A Shared Fate

Silence. In the cover of darkness.

Were there stars in the sky? Did you breathe in the night air? Or was it unexpected. No time for goodbyes. Just slowly rocked into a sleep you'd never wake from. Did the angels carry you on wings so sweet on up to heavens gates? Or did Satan fool your poor old soul and trick you into the depths of despair. Were you ready to go? To meet your brother with arms wide open. Did you run into each others arms? Rejoicing after the years had passed. Was it what you wanted? Had you finished what you had cared to do? Do you wish you could have a second chance? Or are you satisfied with the life you left behind.

We will never know. For we can't ask you. We must wait our turns. Patiently or not. To discover your fate.

Almost 4 years ago you sat in the front pew of  your brother's funeral. Weeping like a child. No remorse for your true feelings. You were able to express what the rest of us couldn't. Pride didn't step in the way. No you were open. Like a window. Not commonly accepted behavior, but I envy you. For you didn't care. You loved him. To hell with the rest. To hell with the opinions of others.

I envy you. For you have him there in your grasp. You reached that destination that I eagerly await. But await I must. For my turn. Do I wish death. not now. I have a life to live. To make him proud is my goal. Give him my love, for though I knew you both so little, love is what I have for you.

In the cover of darkness, was death. A shared fate. Left us in silence.

Death and Immortality

People die everyday.

From infants and fetuses to 80, 90, 100 year old people. It's a horrible thing that I hate very much. But to truely understand something, you have to come to grips with it first.

No I dont like it at all. I hate it.... because death has robbed me of many people I love, and its doing so as we speak. But I cannot stop it. Therefore I must accept it to be able to continue living.

Why does death occur? For some it's a release from the past. For others, it is a dreaded date in their future.

Why can't we be immortal? Would it really be that bad? But then again, would we really want to be immortal? For not everyone could be immortal, obviously. So seeing our friends, family, pets die before us, knowing we must carry on as we are, could have a very negative impact on our souls.

But for arguments sake, if we had the choice to be immortal, would we take it? Are there things we could benefit from it? Money, power, love... They say you only have one chance to make life count. To make your choices wisely, for once you die, you can't redo it. Well, if we could be immortal, we might have a chance to do things over, to make things right.

What would the price be, though? In Harry Potter, it was the Philosopher's Stone that gave immortality. When the stone was destroyed, the maker, Nicholas Flammel died soon after. (Sorry if you have no idea what I'm talking about) But what was the price one paid for using the Stone? The books never really say.

Would our soul be lost? Would it slowly diminish as time wore on?

Who is to know? Possible God, or some other higher being, based upon your belief system.

Immortality... and Death. Some of the most contemplated and confusing, yet simple principles of life.

Devastation

SaraBeth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white
Something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you

sarabeth- rascal flatts

spreading. choking out life like the darkness. making you weaker and weaker. so the put poison in your body to try and kill whats killing you. but in turn, that kills you too. when surgery is out of the options, radiation quit working, and now chemo stops working... what do you do?

she went from a beautiful, healthy, and strong woman. and now cancer has left her weak, and pale.

scared so bad, i cant even pick up the phone and call her. for fear that i will burst into tears at hearing the weakness and pain in her voice. nor can i email her husband and tell him my fears. i know they'll understand. but selfishly, i cant do it.

when we first found out, she called me and promised me she'd be ok. that she'd fight it and beat it. but now she'd losing her fight. and im left praying for a miracle. waiting on those occasional emails updating us on her condition. we wait anxiously on the news. hoping and praying she'll pull through. at first, the emails were long, encouraging, and had good information on treatment. but slowly, those emails became short, to the point, and silently devastating.

and exactly as i did when she first told me the news, i hit my knees and beg God to save her. to spare her the fate of death by defeat from this horrible thing. but all i can do is sit in the floor and sob. for i dont have the courage that she needs me to have.

devastation. living in its midst, im lost. wandering in the darkness, and drowning in the tears i shed for her.

Innocence

This innocence is brilliant
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by

It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

Innocence- Avril

Slipping on her ballet slippers, wearing a leotard and mesh flowing skirt. Twirling around a couple of times, a few positions, and maybe a small leap or two. It transformed a tomboy into a sweet and graceful girl. What innocence!

Running through an open field of knee high grass that would trip us, sending us rolling down a slight hill. Wearing mixed matched sweat pants and sweatshirts. Playing on the ground, looking up at the clouds, giggles filling the air. Making sweet little crowns from flowers. What innocence!

Getting high off of chocolate cake, eating cookie dough from the roll with spoons, and creeping quietly down stairs in the middle of the night, avoiding the creaky steps. What innocence!

Sitting in a room, next to her mother, listening to her slowly pick notes out on a beautiful black piano. Just another piano lesson. Slowly, she picks up on the notes quicker, and with a little encouragement, and a short amount of time, she plays those simple notes, and complex chords with agility. What innocence!

But those ballet shoes and leotard turned to high heels, a suit, and a court room.

Those flower crowns and sweat suits turned to makeup and pom poms.

Now when we sneak, its not down steps, its in our individual lives. Around the truth and reality of life.

And that beautiful piano music no longer can be heard. For we are all grown up, and innocence no longer exists.

We went our own paths. True, we are still best friends and sisters of fate, but so different we are. She grew up. And so did I. Matured beyond our years.

Child like innocence. Gone. Swept away on a breeze, burned away by the sun, suppressed by the darkness, washed away by tears.

What innocence?

It's in the Stars

Oh written in the stars
A million miles away
A message to the main
Ooooh
Seasons come and go
But I will never change
And I’m on my way

Written in the Stars- Tinie Tempah

It's amazing how the things in our lives effect us. In the video for this song, there's a little boy who's mom is a prostitute to earn money, and he sits out in the hallway listening to music and writing while she has a client in their shabby apartment. He hates it, but he has no control over it.

Growing up, I was blessed with a nice house, the bills were always paid, there was always food on the table, and we had 2 great cars. Then I moved to live with my Mom and Dad, and now, I'm in the lowest poverty level of my state. It gets hard. Really hard. And stressful. I'm 16, and every time a bill comes in the mail, or the car starts acting up, it scares me. I try not to ask for anything, because when I do, my parents have to tell me "Maybe next month." And it breaks they're hearts.

This is the first time I have ever publicly admitted that I am poor. And it kills me. Not because I'm a material person, or because I'm looking for sympathy, or because I have pride issues, but because I know that I have to bust my ass in order to make a life for myself. yes, I love my Mom and Dad, but there are many nights that I go into my room, shut the door, and sit in my floor and just cry, because I don't know if we will make it through the week.

I eat Mac and cheese and bologna  sandwiches for 40% of the time, and fast food meals are a rare treat. Some months, we don't even have money to buy the simple necessities such as toilet paper, paper towels, or milk.

 My parents are both disabled, so neither one can work. My mom gets a small disability check each month, but my dad doesn't. So what little money we do have is extremely tight.

Over the past 9 months, I have matured more than I have in my entire life. I'm scared to turn 18, but in all reality, I'm already an adult, and facing adult problems. Choices that we make, or that people in our lives make effect us so much more than we realize. Dreams are sometimes the only things in this world that can keep us going. We cry out to the world, but are we really heard? Or are we just another lost soul wandering around.

Do we change ourselves? Or do we try and make our own way.

The choice is yours. Make it wisely.

Old Souls

Why are we so grown up? We are mature beyond compare, my dear friend and I. Wise beyond our young years. At a ripe age of 16 we are in full bloom. Ready to head out into the world, full force ahead, without a second thought to our youth. But when we stop to take a breath we realize that we have left so much behind, including the majority of our peers. We find ourselves looking into the eyes of people much older than us, and at times, it's a  pity.

Did our childhood really flee from us that quickly? Or was it us who fled from it. We're our poor, innocent souls tortured beyond a point of repair? Or was it merely a strong desire to be free. Whatever it may be, the past cannot be unwritten, and the pages in our books are yearning to be filled.

Such sweet souls. Such young souls. But oh what old souls they are.

Why

Oh, why? That's what I keep askin'
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking
A troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong
And why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song

Why- Rascal Flatts

Life is  hard. Everyone knows that, unless you live up high on the hill with the rest of the world catering to your every want and need. But what's really going on? Behind those doors, when that mask is removed, and you get past those walls in everyone's heart. What do you see? Pain? Joy? Confusion? Or can you even decipher what truths the soul beholds? What hinders people form moving forward into the rest of eternity? will we ever know?

When I was a little girl, i used to sit with my Pappaw and watch people go by. We'd try and figure people out by the way they looked, and make up stories about their lives. But the mistake I made in my innocent youth was judging people by appearance. How could I know their pasts? How could I know what their future held in store for them? I didn't, but it was fun to pretend I did. Now I still find myself trying to figure people out, but in a different light. Now I know how pain feels, and how it can effect and change a person. That's what I look for now.

Why? How is it possible that one emotion can make a person lose all their wits, all their reasoning, and fall into a deep dark pit? One may never know, but next time you look around you at school, in the car, or even in the mirror at yourself, search for the truth behind that mask, behind those doors, and behind those walls. it might surprise you what you'll find.